Kevin’s Pub Auckland would have a full-service restaurant, just so people could drink early on Sundays. We don’t expect to ever serve any food.

On my first business trip to Australia, we went to New Zealand as well to help justify the costs of flying that far from Dallas. I was in a pub in Sydney and asked for a pint, and the bartender said, “You must have intention of eating.” So, I grabbed the menu, ordered some cheap appetizers and had my pint.

A week later, we were in Auckland, and went into a pub. I ordered a pint, and the bartender said, “You must have intention of eating.” What is it with these people? So, I asked for a menu.

The bartender looked at me with pity, and said, “No. You must have intention of eating.” Ahhh. “Of course, we have intention of eating. Just having a drink first.”

Drinks served. Kitchen not required.

Kevin’s Pub Sydney will be the only pub with a cover charge, in memory of the greatest scam artist of our times.

I was in Sydney on a business trip with a colleague, and we found a bar, and as we attempted to enter, a rather bulky gentleman said, “There’s a $20 cover charge.” That seemed steep to us foreigners, so we protested, and started to walk away. He said, “But it also gets you into the club across the street.” My thought was that if one club sucked, you could go across the street, but if they were related, wouldn’t they both suck? So, we were about to pass, when he said, “You’re not from here, are you?” I said, “We’re from Texas”, he said, “Let’s just make it $10” and had a sale. He also made two out-of-towners feel welcome.

Later, as we were going to cross the street to visit the other club, we talked with him for a while. He let us in on his great secret – the management expected a $5 cover charge per person. He just charged everyone $20 and if he got it, he was rich, and if not, he dropped it to $10, made a friend, and still made $5 per person.

So, when you visit Kevin’s Pub Sydney, prepare for a cover charge.

There’s a restaurant somewhere in Sydney that has kangaroo and emu on the menu. As the waiter said, “You can eat 2/3rds of the coat of arms.”

Sydney was the first place we heard the term “intention to eat”. We didn’t understand what it meant until Auckland.

Kevin’s Pub Dublin would be an actual Irish pub, since it would be in Ireland. It would probably immediately fail, since it would be run by an American, so it’s a good thing I applied for Irish citizenship. Then it can fail, because I’ve never actually run a pub.

Once I am an Irish citizen, I will have the citizenship story to tell my patrons while they’re sitting at the bar.

One note – don’t apply for a grandfathered Irish citizenship the same year that Brexit is enacted, and the Irish get flooded with requests from Brits who want to be Irish so they’re still European.

On the bright side, they probably will all need a drink after the process. Here’s my favorite quote from the procedure – the application said I needed my granddad’s marriage license or other proof of name change. He never changed his name, so I thought it wasn’t needed. However, since all the paperwork had to be shipped to Dublin, I thought I would ask first.

I tried asking the Department of Foreign Affairs and Trade on their Facebook page, and got a response very quickly that they couldn’t answer specific questions on Facebook. I wondered what generic questions they would get. Then, I wondered why “do I need my granddad’s marriage license?” was too specific, but then I decided to call.

The first time, I got a recording that they were very busy and some other info, and then it hung up on me. My first international hang-up! A couple hours later, I tried again, and after eight minutes on hold, I got a person.

I explained the question and he said, “You need to send the marriage license, even though there is no use for it whatsoever.” Emphasis on the whatsoever, in an Irish lilt. So, I sent it. Then, I asked if I needed my divorce paperwork (10+ pages) and both of my marriage licenses. He said, “No…. but if you have them around..” So, I sent it. Then, I asked if we could send my application with my little brother’s, since all of our ancestors were the same. He said “of course”, so I wrote a cover letter, just in case.

We’re waiting. The estimate on the website went from six months to a year. We’re almost at a year, but they haven’t added in the COVID-19 delays yet, I’m sure.

I’m hoping to have the citizenship paperwork before I die. Then, I will open a pub in Dublin, even though there is no use for another one whatsoever.