Tag Archives: SuperKlutz

A Plank in the Finger

Someone decided to rehang a mirror in the dining room, even though it had been on the floor hurting nobody for years. While moving it in place, someone got a splinter.

I used to get splinters when I was young. My pediatrician thought it was cute – it’s a rite of passage. He would remove it, tape it to a tongue depressor and date it. There’s a pile of them (along with some stitches) somewhere.

Splinters don’t usually happen after you get into double-digit ages unless you’re a carpenter or .. a SuperKlutz.

So, SuperKlutz tried to get it out with a tweezer. No luck. She searched the Internet and determined soaking the finger in vinegar would remove it. Who thinks this will work? She tied a banana skin around it with a bandage. (What sites is she reading?)

Finally, she went to the doctor. After about nine minutes of surgery and two tweezers, the splinter was removed. It would have taken less time if the nurse practitioner hadn’t been suppressing giggles the whole time.

She does not have it on a tongue depressor.

Physical Therapy

“Are you ready to start your shoulder therapy session?”

“Yes, but my other shoulder is still pretty sore. Oh, and I tore up my knee the other day, so I’m limping. Oh, and I have stitches in my hand.”

“Just go sit over there and think about healing.”

I’ve fallen, but I’m lighter than a washer

A few years ago, one of our idiot dogs (all of dogs are idiot dogs) peed on the floor. As I walked down a darkened hallway, I felt my foot going out from under me. I slid, cursed, avoided doing the splits, and managed to land on my knees, with most of the weight on the non-surgically reconstructed one. I was in pee, but I was fine.

Why is that important? It shows I’m not a SuperKlutz.

Here’s what happened today.

We had a new washer delivered, and paid extra to have the old one shipped away. While the crew was wrangling the old one out of the utility room, they spilled some of the residual water out.

Now, these guys deliver washers all day long, so they’re probably used to having a bit of water on the floor. Given time, they would have cleaned it up – in fact, they asked for a towel. A towel? Heaven forbid!

SuperKlutz to the rescue! She tried to vacuum up wet dog hair with a hand vac, and then realized there was more water than she thought. She got the mop, walked the 37 inches to the beginning of the puddle, and … slipped and fell on her knee. She tried to break her fall (and failed) with the hand that had been operated on … yesterday.

So, now she has a bandaged hand (with stitches), two shoulders being rehabbed, and a knee with a gouge in it.

How can I slip on an unknown puddle of pee in the middle of the night, and she can’t walk past a known spill that she is attempting to clean? She is a SuperKlutz.

Next time, give the nice man a towel and get out of the way.

The guys delivering the washer helped her get back on her feet. Actually, they just picked her up. They even counted down, like when they picked up the washer.

I suppose I should have tipped them, but how? It didn’t take long for them to raise her. Is there a one-time fee? Tip by the pound?

She has to see her shoulder surgeon on Friday. Luckily, he does knees, as well.

Surgery Questions

Most people have some important questions when a doctor recommends surgery. Questions like:

  • Is is covered by my insurance?
  • How long is the recovery period?
  • Will it hurt?
  • Will I still be able to play the piano?

Luckily, when you’re a SuperKlutz, there is only one question:

  • Will it interfere with the physical therapy from my last surgery?

Can I Borrow Your Appointment?

Virginia decided to go to my checkup with me one morning, and managed to trip and fall down the stair in the garage. The stair. Not “the stairs”, like normal people. Now, we had me and the limping partner.

So, when we got to the doctor, we just said, “Yes, it’s my appointment, but she needs it worse.”

That’s how you avoid the emergency room or doc-in-the-box. Only hurt yourself on the way to someone else’s appointment.

It’s Itchy

Virginia had a huge cast on her leg after her Achilles surgery. It was to keep everything in place for the early stages of healing, before moving on to the boot.

There’s really only one rule with a cast: Don’t stick anything in it. I’ve never actually worn a cast (just a bandage when I had knee surgery – update 2020: now I have), because I’m not a SuperKlutz, but I’ve heard they can be itchy.

Here’s the one rule again. Don’t stick anything in it.

Some people ignore this and scratch the itch. This can crumple the bandages under the cast which is bad, apparently.

Virginia would be some people.

I found her happily sticking a pencil in her cast to scratch away.

Really. There was just one rule.

So, we went back to the doctor and his PA took the whole thing off and redid it. He gave me the stink eye the whole time. Hey, buddy, you try to make her follow rules.

Virginia was happy because she got a new color cast. She didn’t like the first color she chose.

I Just Need A Couple of Items

Shoulder surgery is a big deal. You’re in a brace, you can’t use it for weeks, it needs physical therapy when the healing is done.

There’s really only three words at the beginning of recovery: Don’t Use It.

So, this is partially my fault, because I picked an inconvenient time to have a Vertigo attack that a couple of doctors thought might be a stroke. When they let me out of the hospital after keeping me overnight, the therapist mentioned to Virginia that she should not be driving in a brace as it’s a liability issue.

So, she took the brace off.

I needed some medication, so she decided to go pick it up. Since she was out, she decided to pick up a few things at the store.

This with her recently repaired arm out of the sling.

Her physical therapist was amazed by the change in motion when I took her for therapy. No, not amazed. Horrified.

The doctor said she hadn’t actually reinjured it, but to knock it off.

I’ll Take Out The Trash

So, our power went out, because it’s Dallas, and we lost all of the food in our deep freeze. Lots of slowly defrosting foods.

Virginia decided to let everything refreeze and toss it closer to trash pickup day, which made sense, because it’s hot in Texas and we have rats, raccoons and Lord knows what else around the neighborhood.

The day before trash pickup, she started loading up the trash bags. I told her to wait until I got home from work, and I would do it. Being a normal person, I was going to roll the trash can up to the freezer and load it up.

She couldn’t wait.

So, she ruptured her bicep tendon and a bunch of other stuff in her shoulder.

Later, she finally had surgery to repair it, and managed to strain her other shoulder during the healing period.

Then, she strained her back trying to survive with two partial arms.

It’s a Wasp!

Virginia was walking one of the dogs one night when she heard a buzzing and then was stung by a wasp. (Well, our pest control guy saw a selfie of the wound and thought it was a paper wasp. Hmm. How many guys have their clients sending them closeups of bug bites on their chests?)

Then, she got stung again. Wasps are not nocturnal so I’m really wondering what she’s doing to piss them off.

So, then she walks the dog in the middle of the night for a third time, and heard the buzzing again, so she jumped aside. This was the same jump she used to not step on Ripley, just different ankle. Another strained tendon, another boot.

The suspect was probably a June bug. They don’t bite.

Don’t Step on the Dog

Ripley, one of our dogs, had back problems. He could have been partially paralyzed, so serious back problems. After his vet had put the kids through college repairing Ripley!s back, she told us about a permanent fix. So, after two operations, there was an operation that would have prevented the two operations.

Of course, the surgery was available in Oklahoma, at the OSU veterinary school.

So, Virginia and I packed Ripley up, and drove to Stillwater. Lovely Stillwater.

The night before Ripley went under the knife, we had to take him for a pre-surgery check. Virginia was walking him on a leash, and he stopped short. Now, normal people wouldn’t be walking right next to a dog. Normal people would probably trip over the dog and cuss. Virginia didn’t want to hurt Ripley’s back, so she jumped aside, and ruptured her Achilles.

I tried to get the vet to put her down but he wouldn’t listen.

Ripley survived surgery. Virginia had surgery years later.

She still can’t jump.