FEBBS is a good acronym. It could be the Federated Enterprise Business Building Software, a conglomerate producing expensive software packages. It could be the Fully Enhanced Bulletin Board System, a way for 80s nerds to communicate.

However, it’s not that technical. As I applied for yet another job this afternoon while watching my dogs wolf down their lunch, I thought, “Hey, maybe these guys could earn us some money. There have been dog troupes on America’s Got Talent, there’s at least one in Vegas, maybe it’s these guys’ turn in the spotlight.”

So, I started listing their skills. And I got FEBBS.

  • Farting
  • Eating
  • Barking
  • Belching
  • Sleeping

(They have one other skill, a prodigious one, but we have a pooper-scooper lady for that.)

The farting skill is good for laughs, and to scare away any dogs who are afraid of gas. Also, since all guys traditionally “blame the dog”, isn’t it polite for you to have one? (I’m actually wondering if this is a skill or a hobby.)

The eating skill is useful for emptying your house of dog food, scraps, leftovers, any poop missed by the pooper-scooper lady, small rodents, twigs and any number of other delicacies.

The barking skill is useful to announce visitors (barking when the doorbell rings), to announce imminent dust loss (barking at the vacuum cleaner), to announce pretty much anything (especially if you’re on the phone.)

The belching skill provides warning that luncheon has completed. It means anyone who belches at your party can blame the dog.

The sleeping skill is useful for meetings, since at least one of my dogs can sleep with her eyes open. You’re never really sure if she’s asleep. Send her to meetings in your place. (Just don’t expect good notes.)

Anyone want a party guest with four legs? One of my guys could make your weird cousin look less uncouth, as long as he doesn’t hump your other guests.