Blackbeard Arrr-Lines

Editor’s Note: This is not so much fiction, as it is my retirement plan.

The Problem

You’re finally on vacation, sailing on a cruise of a lifetime that just docked at a lush tropical island. You have a full day to spend just wandering around before sailing for your next port of call. You love the island. You love the people. You love the food and drinks. Ahh, the drinks. You even love the shopping. Then, you notice the time. Ruh-roh. Surely, the cruise line will hold the ship for you. You’re not really that late. Not so much.
So you missed your ship? We can help. It’s time to call Blackbeard Arrr-lines.

The Solution

We reunite passengers with their cruise ships, while separating them from their valuables. 
Blackbeard Arrr-lines is a charter airline located in the Caribbean. We fly between the islands that host cruise ships as ports of call.

We’re a different type of airline. As a charter airline, we don’t have set routes or timetables. We fly on island time. Our mission is to reunite stressed passengers with their cruise ships.

When you arrive back at the port just in time to see your ship pulling away from the dock, don’t panic! Take a photo of the ship for Facebook, and then just call Blackbeard Arrr-lines for help. We can pick you up, and get you to your cruise’s next port in time to reunite with your ship, your friends and your luggage.

As we are not a scheduled airline, we have no set routes. We go where we are needed. As pirates, we only need one or two panicked customers a week to make money. The rest of the time, we’re just kicking back on the island, enjoying a rum punch or three.

We are looking for investors at this time. We only need a plane or three, some pilots, crews and landing rights to get started. Also, if the pilots had passports, that would probably be useful. We’re also hiring! Our employees are (obviously) not salaried – as crew, they share in the booty we can collect. Arrr! Come fly with us!

Our Rates

Our fare structure is very simple – for passengers or cargo. Unlike other airlines, we don’t vary fares based on the time of day or the wind direction. We don’t have regularly scheduled flights. We are your airline. We fly where we are needed most.

Passenger Fares
Our passenger rates are per-mile, based on the category of cabin you booked on your cruise. Also, we are pirates, so we’ll be takin’ those jewels, Madam.

  • Inside Cabin: $1.50 per mile to your next destination
  • Outside Cabin: $2 per mile
  • Balcony: $3 per mile
  • Suite: $5 per mile

All fares have a $750 minimum charge. An additional charge (at the Captain’s discretion) may be added for bitchy passengers. Tea, Coffee and Water are included for Balcony and Suite passengers only. Soda additional. No refills. We do not serve alcohol on our flights, since our passengers are usually loaded already.

Cargo Fares
Forgot your passport? Spouse really annoying? Passed out? Ask about our per-pound rates to ship you to your cruise’s next port of call as cargo. (Air holes available for a slight additional charge.)

Our Route Map is available here. Remember, we are point-to-point, this are just the airports where we have pirates pilots waiting to serve you.